this is my confession

this is not for pity or sympathy, im just getting it out.

i write these words because i know they will fall upon blind eyes. sometimes i hurt and there is simply no one to tell that to. i do not want to turn this into a pity party persuasion speech, im just saying. i hurt because no one wants to be around me. i cannot hold onto anyone. im a very self conscious person, and a lot of people know that, but few understand just how bad it really is. im not sure if it stems from my parents or if my family is just cursed, but consistency is not something that i know very well. i just wish i had someone to speak to on the regular more often. do not misunderstand what it is i am trying to convey. i am grateful of all the friends that i do have now, but there are different degrees of friends. we are all well aware of it. i have never had anyone that close to me and actually stay in my life. its almost as if i am intolerable for extended periods of time. same goes for women and relationships. i yearn for something a little stable. the problem is that if it does not feel right, i am not going to do it. at all. it is never for a personal reason, i just do not want to waste anyone's time or effort. i wish that i could have made some things work, but most were beyond my control. my mother is trying to make up for abandoning me for 2 years. i tell her its okay, but it isnt. i dont hate her at all. i love her with all of my heart. but im still hurt. i dont know how someone can deny contact with their child. she had no idea if i ate a thing and never tried to call me. i didnt have a number for her so i couldnt call her at all. i want to repair the relationship with her but it isnt bad, im just too used to being alone. sometimes i can cling. im aware of it but not at the time, only in retrospect. its because im not close to anyone, so when a friendship or relationship comes along, i try excessively to keep it together, till it becomes a fault. i do think im a good person, but quite frankly, i have issues. i want to love but i fear it too much to do it. the only thing that drives me is not wanting to become homeless or anywhere else i used to be. i want to keep moving up until im so fucking far away from poverty, maybe i can take a vacation.