this is my confession

this is not for pity or sympathy, im just getting it out.

i write these words because i know they will fall upon blind eyes. sometimes i hurt and there is simply no one to tell that to. i do not want to turn this into a pity party persuasion speech, im just saying. i hurt because no one wants to be around me. i cannot hold onto anyone. im a very self conscious person, and a lot of people know that, but few understand just how bad it really is. im not sure if it stems from my parents or if my family is just cursed, but consistency is not something that i know very well. i just wish i had someone to speak to on the regular more often. do not misunderstand what it is i am trying to convey. i am grateful of all the friends that i do have now, but there are different degrees of friends. we are all well aware of it. i have never had anyone that close to me and actually stay in my life. its almost as if i am intolerable for extended periods of time. same goes for women and relationships. i yearn for something a little stable. the problem is that if it does not feel right, i am not going to do it. at all. it is never for a personal reason, i just do not want to waste anyone's time or effort. i wish that i could have made some things work, but most were beyond my control. my mother is trying to make up for abandoning me for 2 years. i tell her its okay, but it isnt. i dont hate her at all. i love her with all of my heart. but im still hurt. i dont know how someone can deny contact with their child. she had no idea if i ate a thing and never tried to call me. i didnt have a number for her so i couldnt call her at all. i want to repair the relationship with her but it isnt bad, im just too used to being alone. sometimes i can cling. im aware of it but not at the time, only in retrospect. its because im not close to anyone, so when a friendship or relationship comes along, i try excessively to keep it together, till it becomes a fault. i do think im a good person, but quite frankly, i have issues. i want to love but i fear it too much to do it. the only thing that drives me is not wanting to become homeless or anywhere else i used to be. i want to keep moving up until im so fucking far away from poverty, maybe i can take a vacation.

dear summer

stop being so damn hot all the time. the past couple of nights have been uncharacteristically refreshing considering the recent barrage of humidity we have been unfortunate to have felt. the single bead of sweat following your spinal column as if it were a train; and his brother running down your stomach only to crash in your navel. maybe it is the heat, but i have never felt more confused / lazy in my life. i guess thats what summer does to you. thats my excuse, anyway. in my recent efforts to be some kind of productive, ive taken a good picture or two so that i dont feel as guilty about doing nothing.








things are about to get very serious. there is a certain direction all of us are destined to walk in. im not sure if this is mine because it feels weird. it feels different. different is not necessarily bad, but it is an unknown and we all fear what we do not know. i dont want to be scared to commit to anything anymore. that goes out to all of you as well. if you see it and you want it, go out there and take it. demand it. now, i am in no way, shape, or form advocating thievery, robbery, or taking anything that does not belong to you. i am simply saying that we all deserve success and it is your right to claim and take it. after all, it is your success and it is only for you, so TAKE IT.

another brainfart hits the windshield

you know what is wrong with you, but you just cannot put a finger on what exactly it is. sometimes i reach a creative halt. nothing happens. no ideas come into my brain and i just sit here, wondering why i am so slow. at times, i have a serious lack of drive. i try to force my way out of that slump, but forcing the brain to think can sometimes result in sloppy work, to then the question that i raise is 'is sloppy work better than no work?' i think it is. sloppy, forced, and rushed work is still some form of effort. sometimes you need to get it wrong, get it more wrong, and then be even more incorrect, just so that you can find something that is so right you have no idea how you came up with something so brilliant. my writing is a little rusty, but it will get better in time. it is the same thing with everything that a person wishes to get better at. the more time you spend perfecting your craft, your artwork, you life, the better you will be at everything. you get better by trial and error. you flourish by seeing where your zone is. you then have more understanding on where you can take creative gambles in order to widen your own abilities. i envy the kids who know what they want to do and spend all their time doing it, getting better and better at it everyday. i wish i did not have so many damn ideas and thoughts in my head. i wish i were more focused....but i cannot and will not change who i am because i was made this way for a reason. the people around me are great, whether they stay or whether we part. they have all helped me in their own way and i appreciate the time i spend with everyone. now, i believe is the time that we all find our success, or at least the path to it. these years will be the defining times in our legacies. i raise my glass and toast to all those who i know and those who i do not. we are winners.

cheers to you.

time to get a little bit serius

wow, it has been nearly a month since my last blog post. ive been really tired with working a lot in order to relocate from my current place of residence. i am on the quest to not just live somewhere, but to find a home. my TRUE home. with whom i will be living with, that remains to be known, but i am definitely leaving east 29th street between foster avenue and farrugut road. this area is becoming cancerous. the crime is spreading, the kids are getting more and more reckless as time passes, and the offenses that one would commit is getting more and more serious. it is beginning to become scary the way these people treat each other and their neighbors. as time goes on, i find myself struggling to find the true path that i would like to walk. i am starting to find it, but saying you are going to walk that path is one thing. actually doing it is another project; one that i will continue to engulf myself in with nothing but a smile on my face. the struggle itself is a beautiful one, and these hard times will make the fruits of labor that much sweeter. so the checklist of this year is as follows:

- move to a new apartment with roommates i can call my friends

- work with more artistic people so that i myself can grow more, creatively and mentally

- get money

- get paid

- lol

- renew my passport

- visit europe and go berserk

my friends, love life. although times are hard, enjoy them with a good friend. we ALL have obstacles in our way. we ALL have our own issues we are dealing with. we all feed off of each other, so lets find happiness. together.

yeah