the mimic

he met her through, oddly enough, a woman he used to sleep with. she was very quiet the very first time they met. so quiet that the both of them often forget their very first encounter. the second encounter, she was much more warm towards him. not in a 'expressing my attraction' type of way. it was more of a good friend, but the open gesture came out of nowhere. he figured that she must have had a good day prior to meeting up with him and all of their mutual friends. they all went to a restaurant in the union square area. it was a very good night, filled with pictures taken with dslr cameras and exquisite asian cuisine.

a good while after this, they went as a pair to get thai at a restaurant on smith street in brooklyn. she came from manhattan to meet him. in the rain. while walking in the wrong direction. he phoned her, got her location, tracked her down, and got them to the shelter of the restaurant, mainly because walking in heavy rainfall is very unpleasant to him. dinner was decent but it could have been a lot better. he took her home and thought nothing more of it. she began to show more interest while maintaining the hard to get stance. this was impressive, but the chase is a very sensual thing to a man, particularly this man. little did he know that this was the peak of her efforts for him.

he gave her a christmas gift of a box with a few items in it. he received a pair of gloves months later. he stopped by on new years eve because he knew he would not see her because they both had separate plans. she made him wait outside in late-december weather for thirty minutes because she did not believe that he was really at her building, although she could have looked outside her window to check. they dated for about six months. within six months, she had visited him three times in his home borough. he went to her house multiple times a week. the inconsistency bothered him and he spoke to her constantly about this growing issue. he felt like a pestering nuisance, but why break up with her when you can actually try to make it work. he spoke, he reiterated, he expressed his wishes, and he spoke some more. eventually, he gave up. they came to a mutual understanding that eventual friends would be a better route. she went back to the companionship of an ex-boyfriend who recently re-entered her life and she lived happily ever after, commuting to his brooklyn home several times a week.

they would hang out occasionally after that, but he saw that even with the heavy amount of potential she had, she was never built to actually realize any of it. he began to see her in a different light. someone that had either no or a ridiculously low respect lever for him. someone that only cares about what she wants. someone that has no interest in being her own woman, but only wants to be what others already are. a mimic. he gave her options to show that respect, or at least match his own respect for her. she never did and never will.

today is today

today's feeling: cold

the hot water in the shower is currently disabled so this is the period of patience while i wait for aqua de caliente to return.

today's key word: effort

a little effort goes a long way. it is a great thing to say how you feel and say what you want to do with yourself, but what is the point in saying anything if you do not intend on doing anything? what a lot of people do not seem to understand is that our words have so much power, but if you misuse it, the power reduces because there was never any intention of action borne with those words. it applies to everything. love, life, careers, etc. be extremely careful in the things that you say and when you say those words, prepare to deal with the consequences, whether positive or negative.

today's woman: nameless

she sat across from him on the number two downtown train from 14th street in manhattan. she had hair that was short, curly, and a lovely shade of milk chocolate brown. she wore a red sweater, a wool peacoat, and a canvas shoulder bag. she looked oddly familiar to him, as if she was a former coffee customer of his in his days as a barista. maybe. maybe not. they both read books of incredible girth with intense concentration, occasionally glancing up to steal a peek at the other person but always missing direct eye contact but a couple seconds. she took out a sheet of paper from her bag, wrote briefly on it, and went back to her book. he noticed this from the corner of his peripheral vision and asked himself if she was really that bold. he found this to be a very attractive quality in a woman. a woman not afraid to go and get what she wants. not overly aggressive, but definitely not passive in any way. the train came to a stop at grand army plaza. she gathered the bag, threw the small piece of paper in her bag, and exited the train without a glance at the young man. she may have had a bold thought, but he would never find out.

a thing called new york love

He saw her in line from the other side of the room. He noticed how fluffed her hair looked. It looked as soft and sweet as cotton candy. He brushed it off because, as usual, she was a pretty woman in manhattan. You can never think too deeply when it comes to New York Love. He went about his business, tending to trash and overflowing coffee pots. The line began to get a bit lengthy, so it was time to unleash...the LINEBUSTER. Linebusting is nothing more than the mentality of destroying the line of customers as quickly as possible, in a great fury of efficiency and witty co-worker tidbits. He began to pop brown paper bags like a seasoned supermarket clerk. He served customer after customer with the usual bread, sweet, drink, napkin flow. Eventually, he got to her. She had eyes that smiled and a nosering like a minature sun, shining with those eyes. She began with a turkey with avocado sandwich. He asked blankly if that was it, half assuming that the order was over and so was the momentary nirvana. She added a bag of cape cod chips. The meal got better. Then, with a cute half smile, she said" ...aaaand a chocolate chip cookie, please." He picked up the cookie, put it in the bag, and gave her a smile. She knew it was in humor to her appetite and she said nothing, but smiled in reply. He jokingly asked if she would like anything else. Coffee was a necessary requirement, of course. A large with skim milk. He was impressed with her appetite, and she sure wasn't shy about it either. He got her name. It was ellen. It was anticipation ever since.

i love you
i love caressing your hair
i love the way you look at me when i say something stupid
i love your mind
i love that we never argue, we just agree to disagree and eat cereal afterwards
i love that you dream more when youre awake
i love that you motivate me without motivating me
i love getting on your nerves and then kissing the frustration away
i love protecting you from the world's morons and aggressors
i love being in the sky with you, high away from reality

too bad we dont know each other.....yet

its late so i have the right to say whatever

cant help but wonder where she is

sunday boredoms and blahs

sometimes when i sit at home, i think about my current action. what am i doing with myself right now? sometimes i wish i were doing more things of value. there are so many social events of which i could attend, but why lie to myself in thinking that i would be entertained in the slightest? somehow, it is possible for the human psyche to be more at peace not doing a thing. of course everything should be moderated with caution, seeing how the old saying of too much of a good thing being bad for you is actual factual in most cases. i wish i could muster enough commitment to go to a dc rally, or to go to that indie concert that just ended in williamsburg. i think that main part of this issue is not what we arent doing, but who we arent doing these activities with. why not gather up a squadron of fun crusaders and scour the tri-state area for pure benevolence.

or i could just not be making any sense right now and im mummbling on and on and on and on....et cetera

freedom

Free speakers
Free minds
We are not enslaved to the mental cage, doing time
In the colouring book of time, we draw outside the lines
To blur the protagonists of the day
While making their daily endeavors visible in the third dimension
I see in, through, around you
And you see in, through, and around me
In the same light
Because our minds think differently
Yet we feel the same way

world premiere

of my award-winning poem, entitled 'girl, i want you'.

if you have a life and an opinion of your own
girl, i want you
if you have multiple tattoos and they actually mean something to you
girl, i want you
if you have a curly afro
girl, i want you
if tofu doesnt scare you
girl, i want you
if you know why simpler times lager is so special
girl, i want you
if youre down for actual compromise and not just hustling me
girl, i want you
if you know you have style, but dont brag about having style
girl, i want you
if gossip makes you do the 'someone farted' face
girl, i want you
if you HATE those gladiator sandals that women are wearing now, and you mainly stick to sneakers and occasional flats
girl, i want you
if youre down to go out, but also down to light up a doobie, eat chinese, and watch movies
girl, i REALLY want you

if this isnt you, its all good. i'd probably still want you, but ill always want her a little more.

a case of the mondays

a lot has been going on, yet somehow nothing has been going on. i recently did skateboarding stunts in a music video. sorry my friends, but i do not know the name of the track. all i know is that the name of the band is underworld, and apparently they are hot shit over in euroland. last monday and tuesday, i went with two young and eager french directors, producer gaetan rousseau, and some really talented actors and production workers. it was a fairly small crew of maybe 10-12 people. first we went to a couple spots in manhattan, and then we went to a black cowboy ranch. in queens. i swear by the trident of poseidon that queens is the most random place on earth.


chris and claire relaxing for a little while


lauren, dreaming of jay


black cowboys, dun


the bossman


gaetan cruising


laurens necklace. i was tempted to shoot boob, but i fought the overwhelming urge to be perverse


laurens finger after she hooked me up with some mature grey in my hair




the CHRYSLER


spartan tats

after that we ended up in amityville, new york to trash a motel room, eat big ass burgers, and take naps in a well ventilated black van. pretty good case of the mondays.

this is my confession

this is not for pity or sympathy, im just getting it out.

i write these words because i know they will fall upon blind eyes. sometimes i hurt and there is simply no one to tell that to. i do not want to turn this into a pity party persuasion speech, im just saying. i hurt because no one wants to be around me. i cannot hold onto anyone. im a very self conscious person, and a lot of people know that, but few understand just how bad it really is. im not sure if it stems from my parents or if my family is just cursed, but consistency is not something that i know very well. i just wish i had someone to speak to on the regular more often. do not misunderstand what it is i am trying to convey. i am grateful of all the friends that i do have now, but there are different degrees of friends. we are all well aware of it. i have never had anyone that close to me and actually stay in my life. its almost as if i am intolerable for extended periods of time. same goes for women and relationships. i yearn for something a little stable. the problem is that if it does not feel right, i am not going to do it. at all. it is never for a personal reason, i just do not want to waste anyone's time or effort. i wish that i could have made some things work, but most were beyond my control. my mother is trying to make up for abandoning me for 2 years. i tell her its okay, but it isnt. i dont hate her at all. i love her with all of my heart. but im still hurt. i dont know how someone can deny contact with their child. she had no idea if i ate a thing and never tried to call me. i didnt have a number for her so i couldnt call her at all. i want to repair the relationship with her but it isnt bad, im just too used to being alone. sometimes i can cling. im aware of it but not at the time, only in retrospect. its because im not close to anyone, so when a friendship or relationship comes along, i try excessively to keep it together, till it becomes a fault. i do think im a good person, but quite frankly, i have issues. i want to love but i fear it too much to do it. the only thing that drives me is not wanting to become homeless or anywhere else i used to be. i want to keep moving up until im so fucking far away from poverty, maybe i can take a vacation.

dear summer

stop being so damn hot all the time. the past couple of nights have been uncharacteristically refreshing considering the recent barrage of humidity we have been unfortunate to have felt. the single bead of sweat following your spinal column as if it were a train; and his brother running down your stomach only to crash in your navel. maybe it is the heat, but i have never felt more confused / lazy in my life. i guess thats what summer does to you. thats my excuse, anyway. in my recent efforts to be some kind of productive, ive taken a good picture or two so that i dont feel as guilty about doing nothing.








things are about to get very serious. there is a certain direction all of us are destined to walk in. im not sure if this is mine because it feels weird. it feels different. different is not necessarily bad, but it is an unknown and we all fear what we do not know. i dont want to be scared to commit to anything anymore. that goes out to all of you as well. if you see it and you want it, go out there and take it. demand it. now, i am in no way, shape, or form advocating thievery, robbery, or taking anything that does not belong to you. i am simply saying that we all deserve success and it is your right to claim and take it. after all, it is your success and it is only for you, so TAKE IT.

another brainfart hits the windshield

you know what is wrong with you, but you just cannot put a finger on what exactly it is. sometimes i reach a creative halt. nothing happens. no ideas come into my brain and i just sit here, wondering why i am so slow. at times, i have a serious lack of drive. i try to force my way out of that slump, but forcing the brain to think can sometimes result in sloppy work, to then the question that i raise is 'is sloppy work better than no work?' i think it is. sloppy, forced, and rushed work is still some form of effort. sometimes you need to get it wrong, get it more wrong, and then be even more incorrect, just so that you can find something that is so right you have no idea how you came up with something so brilliant. my writing is a little rusty, but it will get better in time. it is the same thing with everything that a person wishes to get better at. the more time you spend perfecting your craft, your artwork, you life, the better you will be at everything. you get better by trial and error. you flourish by seeing where your zone is. you then have more understanding on where you can take creative gambles in order to widen your own abilities. i envy the kids who know what they want to do and spend all their time doing it, getting better and better at it everyday. i wish i did not have so many damn ideas and thoughts in my head. i wish i were more focused....but i cannot and will not change who i am because i was made this way for a reason. the people around me are great, whether they stay or whether we part. they have all helped me in their own way and i appreciate the time i spend with everyone. now, i believe is the time that we all find our success, or at least the path to it. these years will be the defining times in our legacies. i raise my glass and toast to all those who i know and those who i do not. we are winners.

cheers to you.

time to get a little bit serius

wow, it has been nearly a month since my last blog post. ive been really tired with working a lot in order to relocate from my current place of residence. i am on the quest to not just live somewhere, but to find a home. my TRUE home. with whom i will be living with, that remains to be known, but i am definitely leaving east 29th street between foster avenue and farrugut road. this area is becoming cancerous. the crime is spreading, the kids are getting more and more reckless as time passes, and the offenses that one would commit is getting more and more serious. it is beginning to become scary the way these people treat each other and their neighbors. as time goes on, i find myself struggling to find the true path that i would like to walk. i am starting to find it, but saying you are going to walk that path is one thing. actually doing it is another project; one that i will continue to engulf myself in with nothing but a smile on my face. the struggle itself is a beautiful one, and these hard times will make the fruits of labor that much sweeter. so the checklist of this year is as follows:

- move to a new apartment with roommates i can call my friends

- work with more artistic people so that i myself can grow more, creatively and mentally

- get money

- get paid

- lol

- renew my passport

- visit europe and go berserk

my friends, love life. although times are hard, enjoy them with a good friend. we ALL have obstacles in our way. we ALL have our own issues we are dealing with. we all feed off of each other, so lets find happiness. together.

yeah

beaming on the town...so dont touch my shades

so it was jay, paris, and courtney that met up to do some city roaming.







i've been messing around with vintage shots so heres a effort or three









the next stop was dave's quality meat







and then we met up with the homie garrett and departed from dqm







then we went to south street seaport to see the hood get denied their promised viewing of a drake concert.



you all know the ending of that ordeal. if you dont know what happened, it didnt end well.

off days became the lost days

the day started on the b train going manhattan bound. i was in a pretty snappy mood so i was shooting any and everything.


while paris was itexting whomever

i stole a shot of this mom and her two sons. i dont know if mom approved, but whats done is done.



as a sidenote, those children were extremely well bahaved...i think.

so then paris and i made our way to the park. i got to skate around so paris did some work with the camera. i framed a sequence of what took place but due to photobuckets' resizing limits and blogger having a ghostwall that images just cant pass, i had to improvise and do a shot by shot.





















i hit the hubba myself. this was my folger's morning brew


thanks for leaving me hanging, starbies. your coffee sucks.

rude awakenings

you wake up, roll out of bed, and smell something foul. you dont really think much of it because where you reside smells weird anyway. you turn to go into the kitchen and low and behold...



...so yeah, appetite gone to never return. then you want to just erase that thought from your head so you decide to take a nice, hot, steamy shower. you walk into the bathroom and you are forced to see...



yeeeaaaaahhhh. so not only can you not make your breakfast, but you cant drop your morning deuce either. what a way to start the work week.

but things get better. currently saving money to leave this place in the past. looking very forward to it.


im everywhere you look and nowhere i need to be






the brooklyn sky from the not so dependable f(ail) train

wild in the brooklyn streets

pics now, words later



the man behind the lens in some of these, ras courtney








we show love


philly took this pic. not bad at all. buy a cam, fool.